Review #331: 'The Fantastic Four' (1994)

Reed Richards (Alex Hyde-White) and Victor Von Doom (Joseph Culp) are University friends who decide, with the arrival of comet Colossus imminent, it is the perfect time to try their long-planned experiment. Naturally, things go wrong and it appears that Von Doom is killed in the accident. Years later, Richards and his friend Ben Grimm (Michael Bailey Smith) venture into space as the same comet passes again, this time with their old friends Sue (Rebecca Staab) and Johnny Storm (Jay Underwood). Again, things go wrong, as the diamond that was going to be used in the experiment has been stolen and swapped by a thief, and the four crash back to Earth with new superpowers.

Well, where to start? The fact that this film is still unavailable practically anywhere (it was even ignored in the obligatory cash-in release when the big-budget 2005 version hit the theatres) speaks volumes about its quality. Stan Lee admitted that the film was never intended for release, and that the film was only made due to the fact that their rights to make a film were running out. And so we have this colossally and diabolically awful shit-stain of an excuse of a movie, utterly amateurish in every imaginable way. It's a film that the Sci-Fi (sorry, Sy Fy) channel would be proud of (or not).

The main distraction is the ridiculous sub-plot, which has The Jeweller (Ian Trigger), the thief of the diamond (which he just walks in and picks it up, by the way), kidnap a blind sculptor who after a 10-second meeting with a pre-Thing Grimm, falls in love with him. It's one of those what-the-fuck moments that causes you to wonder where the script-writers got the crack they've obviously been smoking from. It constantly takes the action away from the Four and makes the film all the more tedious. And it's the most laughable use of a blind female sculptor since Lionel Ritchie's music video for Hello.

The film is full of these moments, really. One that stuck with me the most was how Reed and Grimm, preparing for their trip into space, simply drop by the Storm's to ask them if they'd like to, y'know, come up into space. Not that it needs any training or anything. The Four themselves (with the exception of The Thing), once transformed are really quite awful. If you've ever seen Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976) and the guy with the extendible arms in that, then you'll have an idea about Reed's power. If you've not, then I'll tell you, it looks shit. The Human Torch actually turns into a strange cartoon-computer effect hybrid at one point as if the film-makers just couldn't be arsed anymore, and the invisible one (whatever she's called), well, can't be seen, so they get away with it. The effects guys must have put all their money into the Thing's costume as it's actually quite good.

Apart from the Thing's costume, I fail to think of anything remotely good or even average about this film. It's just awful. Dr. Doom's costume is so amateurish, he looks like an S&M-loving, gay Robin Hood hybrid. And you can't tell what he's saying half the time. Shame on you, Roger Corman. But saying that, the 1994 film is no less heartless or emotionless as the 2005 version, which was only slightly rescued by a big budget and a good performance by Chris Evans. Apart from that, also very shit.


Directed by: Oley Sassone
Starring: Alex Hyde-White, Michael Bailey Smith, Jay Underwood, Rebecca Staab
Country: Germany/USA

Rating: *

Tom Gillespie