Review #387: 'Suburban Commando' (1991)

During the early 1990's (when I was just a young 'un), I grew up amidst the colossal popularity of the WWF and its host of superstars. The likes of Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker, Bret 'The Hitman' Hart and Ultimate Warrior were household names amongst snotty nosed kids such as myself. The idea of burly men dressing up in spandex pretending to hit each other never really appealed to me (I was too busy mentally scarring my young brain watching the likes of Watership Down (1978) for all that), yet I still found myself buying the action figures and playing the computer games. Naturally, the success of wrestling during that era led to many of its stars taking the next step into movies, rather than playing to a live crowd in a ring. Unfortunately, due to the obvious limitations of their acting abilities, they found themselves primarily in kids' movies, and this monstrosity is probably, and tragically, one of the best remembered.

Space warrior Shep Ramsey (Hulk Hogan) escapes from an enemy ship after seeing his commander killed at the hands of intergalactic villain General Suitor (William Ball). Due to his failure on the mission, he is sent on vacation to rest and re-charge, and he is forced to crash-land on Earth after destroying his controls. Shep ends up staying with strapped-for-cash Charlie Wilcox (Christopher Lloyd) and his family, and naturally, the two learn many life lessons from each other. Only two bounty hunters (one played by fellow WWF star The Undertaker) are in pursuit of Shep, and Charlie unwittingly finds himself caught up in an intergalactic battle. 

Even as a kid I found this film to be a steaming pile of turd, but still found myself drawn to it for some reason. Upon re-watching it, my memories were confirmed, and discovered that this is indeed awful, and would attract flies if left out in the open. The opening 45 minutes are so are just a bunch of small-scale set-pieces that highlight Shep's physical superiority over the Earthlings, that are neither funny, sweet or original. The main problem with the film is that it simply defies logic and thought, I mean, how would a space warrior who deals with hi-tech gadgetry and space-ships on a daily basis be so confused into thinking a video game he's playing is really happening? "I hate Earthlings!", Shep repeatedly tells us. Strange that, given that he looks and acts like one, speaks English, and even has an American name. Bull-shit on a large scale, only slightly redeeming itself with the presence of Christopher Lloyd. People will say that maybe I should just take the film what it is, but I will argue and say that I am - a fucking catastrophe. 

Directed by: Burt Kennedy

Starring: Hulk Hogan, Christopher Lloyd, Shelley Duvall, Larry Miller

Country: USA

Rating: *

Tom Gillespie