Review #1,030: 'Zoolander 2' (2016)

Way back in 2001, Ben Stiller's original Zoolander was little more than an extended Saturday Night Live sketch, stretched out for 90 minutes of hit-and-miss comedy. Despite the wafer-thin premise of lampooning the fashion industry and the shallow celebrities who inhabit it, there was a clumsy charm about it and much fun to be had with its loose, zany approach. 15 years on and Stiller delivers a sequel that nobody was really asking for, and the movie's awareness of the first's quotable, make-it-up-as-we-go-along dialogue and unapologetic daftness is ultimately its downfall. That, and being painfully unfunny.

The movie's opening sequence informs us that Derek Zoolander's Centre for Kids who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too collapsed in a disaster after being built using the same materials used to build the small-scale model, killing his wife Matilda (Christine Taylor) and damaging the beautiful face of his old friend Hansel (Owen Wilson). His child is eventually taken away from him when his parental skills are called into question, so Zoolander retreats into the frozen wasteland of New Jersey and turns his back on the fashion industry. Hansel has also retired, choosing instead to spend his time in the deserts of Malibu with his orgy of 11 fellow sex fiends, all of whom he has impregnated (including Kiefer Sutherland).

When Billy Zane arrives with their Neflix orders, he persuades them to return to the catwalk for ultra-hip designer Don Atari (Kyle Mooney), an annoying yet on-the-nose hipster who hates stuff because he loves them and vice versa. This is not the only plot thread in this convoluted mess of a film, as the tale of Zoolander braving a return to the world he feels he no longer has a place in was the exact same plot as the first film. We also have new villain Alexanya Atoz (Kristen Wiig), the return of Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Interpol agent Valentina Valencia (Penelope Cruz) who is tracking Zoolander and Hansel to help investigate the murders of music celebrities, some mythological nonsense about the Fountain of Youth, and the horrifying revelation that Zoolander's now-teenage son is, yes, fat and ugly.

It took four writers - Stiller, Justin Theroux, Nicholas Stoller and John Hamburg - to pen the movie and 15 years to think about it, and a tedious merry-go-round of re-hashed jokes, shoehorned celebrity cameos and eye-rolling innuendos ("Jack Ryan and Jack Reacher? Tonight is gonna be a total Jack-off!") is quite unbelievably the best they could come up with. By the time Mugatu arrives and the climax kicks into gear, you'll still be waiting for everything to somehow make sense. Up to this point, the most fun there is to be had is trying to spot all the famous faces (the funniest and most bizarre is a barely recognisable Benedict Cumberbarch) while Zoolander is left scratching his head trying to integrate into a world now so overcome by self-obsession. To make this point, we are made to suffer through endless social media gags that feel like the ramblings of a man trying desperately to fit in with the cool crowd. Even if you love the original, avoid at all costs.


Directed by: Ben Stiller
Starring: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Penélope Cruz, Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, Kyle Mooney
Country: USA

Rating: *

Tom Gillespie