Review #1,458: 'Aquaman' (2018)

After a cameo in Zack Snyder's 2016 car crash Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and a team-up appearance in 2017's equally disastrous Justice League, the time feels right for one of comic-book lore's goofiest superheroes, Aquaman, to receive his own standalone origin story. After all, Jason Momoa's hulking, tattooed fish-whisperer was one of the surprising standouts of DC's flop team-up event, and with the campy orange-and-green costume replaced by a long-hared and shirtless Kiwi Adonis, the character can now be played straight-faced. Wonder Woman proved that DC could produce quality with the right director pulling the strings, and they pulled off a coup with James Wan, a filmmaker whose talents I have long admired despite many of his films missing the mark for me. So it pains me to say that Aquaman is yet another tonally uneven and bloated effort from Warner Bros. that never quite knows if it wants to make you laugh or feel, with a marathon running time which, by the time is gets round to its umpteenth climax, is about as welcome as a fart in a wetsuit.

In 1985, lighthouse keeper Tom Curry (Temuera Morrison) comes across a beautiful woman washed up on the shores of Maine. The woman is Atlanna (Nicole Kidman), a princess from the underwater nation of Atlantis who has escaped an arranged marriage and a gang of Atalantian stormtroopers. Tom takes her in and the two naturally fall in love, resulting in the birth of the half-Atlantian, half-human Arthur. When her enemies come calling, Atlanna must return to the ocean, leaving Tom to bring up young Arthur on his own. The baby grows up to be the beer-swilling gym-devotee we saw in Justice League, but there is trouble a-brewin' down in the depths. Arthur's half-brother Orm (Patrick Wilson) wants to unite the kingdoms of Atlantis and wage war on the surface, who have been polluting their home for decades. But Orm knows that he will never be accepted as the true leader while Arthur, who has no desire to take the throne, is still alive. Mera (Amber Heard), the daughter of King Nereus (Dolph Lundgren), comes to warn Arthur, but they don't stand a chance against the might of Atlantis without the Trident of Atlan, a magical weapon buried somewhere in the Sahara desert.

Aquaman certainly isn't short of ideas; the problem is that Wan doesn't quite know how to cram them all in. We are taken across continents on land and to multiple kingdoms under the water. With a desire to capture the adventurous magic of Romancing the Stone and Indiana Jones, the film actually trips over its own ambition, squeezing in side characters such as Atlantean Mr. Miyagi Vulko (Willem Dafoe) and the fearsome pirate Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), as well as a variety of underwater races we are expected to remember and littering the story with clunky CGI smackdowns. Wan crafts a colourful, vivid world, full of giant sea-horses and advanced technology, but it shares more in common with the weightless. computer-generated locations of The Phantom Menace than the tangible flamboyance of Black Panther's Wakanda. Yet all of this could be considered a mere niggle had the leads been up to the task, but Momoa and Heard have all the chemistry of two strangers making awkward small-talk in a lift. Momoa is an impressive specimen and possesses the charisma to bring this character to life (see Justice League), but here he is denied a moment to have that quiet moment of reflection or to reveal the flaws to his character that would help make him interesting. A wheezing, confused and sickly bore.


Directed by: James Wan
Starring: Jason Momoa, Amber Heard, Willem Dafoe, Patrick Wilson, Nicole Kidman, Dolph Lundgren, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Temuera Morrison
Country: Australia/USA

Rating: **

Tom Gillespie

Review #1,457: 'Creed II' (2018)

One of the many surprise pleasures of Ryan Coogler's Creed was not only its ability to find much life in what was a tired, decades-sprawling franchise, but the way it managed to add emotional weight to the events of Rocky IV, a crowd-pleasing fan-favourite that remains the cheesiest and most ridiculous entry into the series to date. While the death of Carl Weathers' Apollo Creed was shocking and unexpected, it was followed by an air-punching victory for the Italian Stallion underdog during which he also won the Cold War for the U.S., all backed to the most 80s of soundtracks. By following the early career of one of Apollo's bastard children Adonis (Michael B. Jordan), Creed added an unexpected gravity to the consequences of the former's reckless lifestyle, mixing family tragedy into what was otherwise a traditional sports movie.

With Adonis now having dealt with his personal demons over his father's neglect and untimely death, Steven Caple Jr.'s follow-up Creed II faces its own battle in keeping the young fighter's story interesting, as well as delivering an exciting boxing movie without bowing down to cliches. Having lost the fight but won the night at the climax of the previous film, Adonis has gone on to win the Heavyweight Championship and achieve global stardom with trusted old dog Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) at his side. He proposes to his girlfriend Bianca (Tessa Thompson), who is concerned that her own hearing loss may be passed down to their unborn child, and with few fighters talented enough to pose Adonis a real threat, he agonises over building a legacy worthy of his father and trainer. Ripples start to appear in his close relationships and personal drive, which only work against him when a figure from Rocky's past re-emerges with a challenge that could not only lose Creed the title, but end his career entirely.

That man is Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren), who over the years has worked tirelessly to mould his son Viktor (Florian Munteanu) into one of the most most formidable bruisers on the planet. The film begins with them exiled in Ukraine after the embarrassment of Ivan's defeat in Rocky IV, and their relationship is actually the film's most interesting aspect. Ivan hopes that by making his son the world champion his country will welcome him back, but their bond is fractured and strained as a result. It's a thread that should have been explored in more depth, since it's infinitely more interesting than Adonis awkwardly practising his proposal speech. But the melodrama is backed up with a lot of heart, and Stallone's Balboa is again the thread that ties it all together. Dealing with his own family issues on top of dreading the thought of watching another Creed die in his prime at the hands of a Drago, Stallone is magnificent, capable of delivering chills as his voice is heard for the first time off-camera. It's a step down from the electricity of Creed, but it was always going to be. For what is essentially a remake of Rocky IV, the fact that Creed II manages to be emotional, exciting and joyous despite embracing genre cliches is a monumental achievement in itself.


Directed by: Steven Caple Jr.
Starring: Michael B. Jordan, Sylvester Stallone, Tessa Thompson, Phylicia Rashad, Dolph Lundgren, Florian Munteanu, Russell Hornsby, Wood Harris
Country: USA

Rating: ****

Tom Gillespie

Review #774: 'The Expendables 3' (2014)

The first two Expendables movies, though no-one would label them the next Citizen Kane, were enjoyable for what they were - daft, funny 80's throwbacks where grizzled and saggy has-been's re-lived their glory days, when a cold-blooded murder would always be rounded up by amusing quip. Sylvester Stallone put together a huge ensemble of recognisable faces; some veterans of action cinema, some relatively new to the game, and managed to wet the pants of many middle-aged action junkies by reuniting the founders of Planet Hollywood.

But they were fun and nostalgic because they were aware of how silly they were, wise enough not to take itself too seriously. The third instalment of the surprisingly continuing franchise - The Expendables 4 is set for the green light - has made the decision that macho posturing and homoerotic banter is simply not enough, and we must now somehow care for these characters and take them seriously. The trouble is, no matter how loveable some of these actors are (or were), their characters are such one-dimensional meat-heads that, apart from physically, it's hard to even tell them apart, let alone give a damn for their safety.

After the successful rescue of former Expendable Doctor Death (Wesley Snipes), the lug-head crew go straight onto their next mission to take down some warlord or other, only for the groups leader, Barney Ross (Stallone), to recognise the man as Expendable co-founder and long-thought-dead Conrad Stonebanks (Mel Gibson). Stonebanks seemingly went dark years ago, and after he seriously wounds Caesar (Terry Crews), Ross wants revenge. Not wanting to be responsible for the deaths of his friends, Ross turns his back on the Expendables and, with the help of assassin estate agent Bonaparte (Kelsey Grammer), rounds up an all-new (and young) gang of eager mercenaries to take down the man he once called a friend.

The franchise has been growing ever more child-friendly since is started. In the UK, the first movie was an 18 certificate, the second was a 15, and this, a 12A. It's hard to figure out just who this movie is aimed at. Sure, kids with short attention spans will probably enjoy the wobbly-cammed action scenes, but the series' long-term fans, the middle-aged nostalgics, will be scratching their heads at the lack of blood and soft dialogue. It also spends far too much time focusing on Ross rounding up his new gang of indistinguishable and astonishingly dull youngsters. Only Galgo (Antonio Banderas) sticks out, and even his motor-mouthed comedy routine soon gets annoying.

Of the old-hand newcomers, Harrison Ford - replacing Bruce Willis when the latter got greedy, leading to one of the films best lines - is suitably game, but Wesley Snipes' characters is lazily written and is no more than a carbon copy of Jason Statham's Christmas (he's 'good with knives'). However, Mel Gibson, who seems to operating under the idea that if the audience is going to hate him anyway, he may as well have fun with it, is the best thing in the entire film. For such little screen time and lack of complexity, he is undeniably creepy, and director Patrick Hughes has missed a trick spending so much time away from him.

The Expendables 3 is crushingly bad. Even haters of the first, and best, film can surely appreciate it's pumped-up, old-school charm. Two films later, and the series is a bloated, confused money-maker, isolating it's original target audience and seems under the impression that as long as there's an explosion here and a cornball line there, that it can be forgiven for sheer bad writing and film student execution. Maybe it is time for Stallone, Lundgren, Schwarzenegger et al to hang up their boots and war paint and make way for the next generation. But if the charisma-free block-heads whom Stallone finds (it seems that if you can pummel a man's face in, then espionage and machine-gun operation comes naturally) are anything to go by, then maybe it's time for the entire straight-to-DVD genre to finally call it a day.


Directed by: Patrick Hughes
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crews
Country: USA/France

Rating: **

Tom Gillespie

Review #526: 'The Expendables 2' (2012)

Since 2006's Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone has been on a nostalgia trip, re-visiting the characters and genres that catapulted him to the A-list in the 1980's and early 90's. After his rather average yet commercially successful homage to cheesy action - 2010's The Expendables - Stallone and his crew are back, with some extra recruits and some familiar (and aged) faces from the genre. Thankfully, Stallone has passed the director's chair to Simon West, a director who has plenty of experience in blowing shit up with the ridiculous yet irresistibly enjoyable Con Air (1997). If there was a main problem with the first film, it was that Stallone's action scenes were messy and confusing, hardly akin the kung-fu-inspired action of the 1980's.

After returning from a successful mission in Nepal, new recruit Bill (Liam Hemsworth) announces his retirement at the end of the month. Shady CIA operative Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) forces group leader Barney (Stallone) into taking a mission to recover a mysterious item in a crashed plane located in Albania. The group, including Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), Toll Road (Randy Couture), Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), and newly appointed technical expert Maggie Chan (Yu Nan), are ambushed by international criminal Claude Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) who kills Bill and flees with the retrieved item. Gradually the team uncover a plot to find a storage of plutonium left over from the Cold War, and the enslavement of a nearby town by Vilain.

Early rumours that Stallone was going for a milder tone to allow a younger audience to see and enjoy the film are quickly dashed with an opening scene full of exploding heads and CGI blood. Stallone loves his blood and explosions - that was clear from 2008's almost pornographically gory Rambo. His goal was to aim higher and bigger with the sequel, and while on a whole it is pretty much on par with the first, the scope is certainly larger and the giddy in-jokes are more outlandish and obvious. The film is certainly full of love for the genre that was so good to Stallone, and what person that grew up in the 1980's and 90's would not smile at the sight of Planet Hollywood's Stallone, Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger mowing down bad guys side-by-side?

Yet it is at times so ridiculous and self-consciously cheesy that it comes across as a parody of itself. Schwarzenegger and Willis steal each other's catch phrases ("I'll be back!"/"Yippee-kay-ya") and Stallone even cracks a Chuck Norris Facts joke, and while these are funny, it takes the edge off the action and creates a feeling that none of these characters are really going to be in any real trouble. While Mickey Rourke sadly departed the project and Jet Li only briefly appearing, the addition of Chuck Norris and an actually very impressive Van Damme certainly compensate (the latter adding to his surprisingly moving performance in JCVD (2008)). But the film is crammed with far too many characters that pushes the whole Expendables crew minus Stallone well into the background. It won't stop me watching the upcoming third instalment, but this is no more than an amusing way to kill 90 minutes - much like the films it's playing homage to.


Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Liam Hemsworth, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis
Country: USA

Rating: ***

Tom Gillespie

Review #525: 'Showdown in Little Tokyo' (1991)

L.A. cop Chris Kenner (Dolph Lundgren) styles himself as a modern-day samurai. He was raised in Japan, making him an expert in their culture, and as a child he witnessed the murder of his parents by a sword-wielding man with a tattoo on his chest. He is partnered with Johnny Murata (Brandon Lee), an American of Japanese descent who is ignorant of his own roots. The two only seem to have one thing in common - martial arts of course! After an incident in a restaurant, Kenner notices that the criminal shares the same tattoo as the person who murdered his parents, a symbol of the Iron Claw, a yakuza gang. The trail leads him to Yoshida (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), a psychopathic gang leader who is using a local factory to manufacture his drugs.

Of all the muscle men that came out of the 80's and prevailed throughout the 90's - Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Seagal, Van Damme, and even Norris - retrospectively, poor old Dolph seems to have come out the worst, leaving no memorable or even so-bad-they're-good films in his wake. With the exception of his minor role in Rocky IV (1985), this forgettable, but ultra-violent 72-minute bullet-a-thon, seems to be his most significant - even if it is a ludicrous, logic-defying, cheddar-stained, homoerotic journey that quite beggars belief in its inept execution. It did, however, make me smile throughout, as its racial stereotyping and quite abominable acting from Brandon Lee raises it slightly above the usual straight-to-video tripe.

In a decade that perceived itself at the time as very manly and right-wing (a reflection of Reagan-era America no doubt), it is easy to look back on it and see it as being ever so slightly gay. After all, the stars of the era were shaved muscle-men Adonis's in tight vests and soaked in oil, and the massive guns the era so dearly loved were really just an extension of the wielder's cock. Never has action been so homoerotic as in Showdown, with Murata's strange quips at Kenner frequently elevating the right eyebrow. The greatest scene takes place after Lundgren has just boned Minako (Tia Carrere) after lying naked in an outside bath, when Yoshida's men surround the house. Guns a-cocked, Murata turns to Kenner and says "I just wanna say, you got the biggest dick I've ever seen!". His response? "Thanks!" Hmm...

But the bromance aside, the film is relentless. As Kenner seems to never been taught how to for call back-up, it is basically one action scene after next, as the idiotic partners seem to be intent on taking on an army of yakuza's single-handedly, with Yoshida naturally managing to escape every time. It would be harsh to call the action dull (the film manages to squeeze in a decapitation and a close-up underwater stabbing), it's nothing you can't get from any of Seagal or Van Damme's straight-to-video crap. Tagawa does prove to be quite memorable though, as his outlandishly sadistic evil is almost funny, his face like an angry prune spawned from Satan. It's a steaming pile of turd, but I've seen worse (there is a compliment in there somewhere).


Directed by: Mark L. Lester
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Brandon Lee, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Tia Carrere
Country: USA

Rating: **

Tom Gillespie

Review #399: 'The Expendables' (2010)

Following the recent re-vists of two of his most iconic characters, John Rambo and Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone continued his oddly touching nostalgia trip to the heydey of his career with this homage to the glory days of the action film, the 1980's and the early 1990's. It was a time where anything from a kidnapped daughter to the overhauling of a military dictator could be solved by removing your upper clothes, adding a touch of oil, and finding the biggest guns you can get your hands on, and possibly the only era that would have ever allowed the likes of Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris to become movie stars. Of course, Stallone was one of the big three that formed Planet Hollywood (along with Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger) and was one of the undisputed stars of the time, but with the problem of age (and lack of acting ability) creeping up with him, Stallone's roles have become thin of late. It seemed the perfect time to remind us just why people loved him, by directing this balls-out love love letter to carnage, and, like Rocky Balboa (2006), it's actually pretty good.

The Expendables, a group of bikers and mercenaries, are sent by the mysterious 'Mr. Church' (Bruce Willis) to overthrow the dictator of Vilena. The groups' leader, Barney Ross (Stallone), and Lee Christmas (Jason Statham) travel for research, and discover that the country's dictator, General Garza (David Zayas) is merely a controlled figurehead for ex-CIA operative James Munroe (Eric Roberts). Things quickly get out of hand, but the two manage to escape amidst an array of explosions. Falling for their informer Sandra (Gisele Itie), who also happens to be Garza's daughter, Ross decides to return to finish the job, and this time taking martial artist Yin Yang (Jet Li), gun-nut Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), and bomb expert Toll Road (Randy Couture). But ex-Expendable Gunnar (Dolph Lundgren) - recently dispensed for almost hanging a captive on a previous mission and for drug use - travels to Vilena to work for Munroe.

Anyone going into this film wanting or expecting an engrossing storyline, a witty script, or anything resembling character development, will be sorely disappointed. This is 100% dedicated to gun porn, explosions, and homoerotic exchanges, precisely the thing that the early films of Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme were known and loved for. What it does have however, is a lot of heart. Stallone is undoubtedly a romantic, and he has formed a cast full of old-school action stars (Mickey Rourke has en extended cameo as Tool, and Schwarzenegger briefly appears in a scene that made me oddly giddy), as well as some of the new faces of straight-to-video, sorry, DVD (wrestler Steve Austin also appears as Munroe's head grunt Paine).

However, The Expendables seems to suffer most from the thing that noticeably plagues modern action films, and that is badly filmed and confusing action scenes. Rather than actually showing the fighting (and there are many here that deserve better, namely Jet Li), they fill the screen with a mixture of blurs, shaky hand-held camerawork, and rapid editing. It seems that Stallone thinks that as long as the audiences' eyes are busy, regardless as to whether they know what it happening, then they will be happy. And a lot of the macho talk gets quite tiresome quickly, and as token black guy Hale Caesar talks about his gun like it is a girl in that "hell ye-ha!" sort-of-way, the film came across as nothing more than a walking erection.

Yet with a film put together with such genuine heart, I found it impossible not to like, and it certainly transported me back to my childhood when the action wave was still in full flow, and I was obsessed with the likes of Commando (1985). I'm pleased that a sequel is also not far off, and the added casting of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris, as well as an extended role for Schwarzenegger (who now has time for acting given his political career has thankfully ended), has me obviously excited.


Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Giselle Itié, Randy Couture, David Zayas, Mickey Rourke, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Bruce Willis
Country: USA

Rating: ***

Tom Gillespie

Review #338: 'Masters of the Universe' (1987)

During the 1980's the world of advertising and general marketing took on an all invasive, sinister tone. After the success of the Star Wars toy line from Kenner, the industry began a series of fantasy toy lines that used the 30 minute Saturday morning cartoon as an advertising tool. This led to famous toy's/cartoons such as Tranformers, Thundercats et al (there are way too many to list in this review). I believe the first of these was the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, which hawked a band of sword-and-sandal-like fantasy characters, in a world called Eternia.

The cartoon and toy line were incredibly successful, and whilst as an adult, my cynical side sees the enormity of this exploitative marketing, as a child I was totally sucked in. With the unbridled achievement of cynical marketing, it was only a matter of time before the Hollywood machine would take the buff character of He-man and immortalise the cunt on screen.

The 1980's also saw an increase of over sized muscle-men on the big screen. This was of course reflective of Reagan's politics of big-is-good etcetera. So with such a low-rent project, the film needed a pretty low-rent, muscular "actor". I'm guessing that even Schwarzenegger and Stallone were too good for this film, as the actor chosen to play the homo-erotic, buff-dunce He-man was Dolph Lundgren, another of the increasingly large action stars of the decade.

The story involves a set of keys that can open a portal to other worlds/dimensions, and He-man's evil foe, Skeletor (Frank Langela) obviously wants the set. During a battle in Snake mountain, the hero's are forced to go through a portal where they find themselves in contemporary America, and take on the help of a native, Julie (Courtney Cox).

This derivative, insipid film is just awful. The action is more than likely placed in a Earth-bound setting for budgetary reasons. And to be fair, even if this was not the case, it would probably be just as shit. I did see this at the cinema at the time, and probably liked it. But seeing this as an adult just makes me realise that there was an abundance of genuinely awful movies in the decade of greed.


Directed by: Gary Goddard
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Meg Foster, Billy Barty, Courtney Cox
Country: USA

Rating: *

Marc Ivamy