Review #1,334: 'Ghosts of Mars' (2001)

Over the course of a career spanning over 50 years, writer, director and producer John Carpenter has been responsible for some of the most memorable and iconic horror/thriller movies ever made. The likes of Assault on Precinct 13, Halloween, The Fog, Escape from New York and The Thing have cemented his status as a genre icon, up there with the likes of George A. Romero and Wes Craven as one of America's finest horror visionaries. His legacy cannot be damaged, although it appeared that Carpenter was trying his best to sully his own reputation between 1996 and 2001 with three utter stinkers. First came Escape from L.A. and that surfing scene, and then the underwhelming Vampires, which wasted a perfectly game James Woods in what was an instantly forgettable and generic undead actioner. Then people thought he had lost the plot completely when he produced Ghosts of Mars, one of the worst movies to be released in 2001.

Over a century into the future, Mars is undergoing terraforming, and a matriarchal society of humans have settled on the red planet in the hope of better opportunities. Life is far from peaceful however, and crime is rife in the various remote mining communities. A crew of police officers including Lieutenant Melanie Ballard (Natasha Henstridge) are tasked with transporting notorious prisoner (and the amusingly named) Desolation Williams (Ice Cube) to stand trial for a spate of gruesome murders he is accused of. When they arrive in town, the place is deserted, and it doesn't take long until they stumble on a number of mutilated dead bodies hanging from the ceiling in macabre fashion. Ballard and the rest of the group, which is also made up of rapey Sergeant Jericho (Jason Statham) and token lesbian Braddock (Pam Grier), split up to investigate further and locate Desolation. As they plough on, they learn of an alien force with the ability to possess humans and no love for their planet's new colonisers.

Anyone who was alive and watching movies in the late 1990s will know that Mars is no place to visit unless you wish to be set upon by a gruesome native. Ghosts of Mars is no different, but the film never feels terribly sure of what the threat actually is. Carpenter throws just about everything at the screen: ghosts, zombies, steampunk rovers, blood, guts, and even some train action. It's a muddle of ideas taken from far better films, including some of Carpenter's very own. It's Assault on Precinct 13 meets The Thing, with a sprinkling of The Fog, but without any of their style, thrills or flair. When the characters stop aiming at each other and have a chat, the dialogue is clunky and fuelled by exposition. Henstridge tries her best with a role that could champion equality if the film didn't insist she takes her clothes off, and the usually reliable Ice Cube and Statham fail to squeeze any life of their stock characters, who never rise above foul-mouthed ghetto survivor and smug sleazebag, respectively. It's a horror show from start to finish, but not the kind you would expect from Carpenter. The years haven't been kind either, reducing Ghosts of Mars to SY-FY Channel-level drivel.


Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Natasha Henstridge, Ice Cube, Jason Statham, Clea DuVall, Pam Grier, Joanna Cassidy
Country: USA

Rating: *

Tom Gillespie

Review #1,221: 'Fast & Furious 8' (2017)

By the time Paul Walker bailed and Vin Diesel only bothered to show up for a wink-and-a-smile cameo back in 2003 with the third instalment in the Fast & Furious franchise, Tokyo Drift, it seemed like the series started by Rob Cohen in 2001 as an entertaining Point Break rip-off was done and dusted. 14 years later, the eighth entry sits happily as the eleventh highest-grossing movie of all time, raking in a whopping $1.2 billion at the box-office. Having evolved from low-key crime thrillers with a street-racing twist to all-out, physics-defying spy adventure blockbusters, audiences are clearly not done with Dominic Toretto (Diesel) and his street-hood 'family'. The film's alternate title of The Fate of the Furious - keeping up with the series' trend of frustratingly difficult-to-follow title meddling - suggests that this may be the most ridiculous, balls-to-the-wall spectacle yet, and it certainly lives up to its billing.

Ever since previous fan favourites were cherry-picked to inexplicably form the gang of ass-kickers-for-hire the movies are now built around, the cast has rapidly expanded and individuals have been reduced to little more than the odd one-liner. When Dwayne Johnson's oiled man-mountain Hobbs was introduced to add some spice and charisma to a stagnant series, Vin Diesel found himself in the awkward position of hogging screen-time from an actor everyone would rather be seeing. This is very much Diesel's product and he takes things very seriously, so Fast & Furious 8 sees the two split up into two very tonally different story lines, in a move that may have been made to satisfy the needs of both actors, or to simply keep the two away from each other. Johnson made comments on social media criticising a certain cast member's behaviour, in a thinly-disguised jab at Diesel. The tension isn't evident in the final movie, but it does mean you're likely to spend half the time wishing you were with the former wrestler, especially when he teams up with the returning Jason Statham.

Dom growls and mumbles before turning his back on the gang when his honeymoon with Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) is rudely interrupted by a hacker known as Cipher (Charlize Theron), who blackmails the big lug into stealing an EMP device. Enter exposition device Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell) and, for some reason, his partner played by Scott Eastwood, who round up the former car-jackers and criminals to steal it back before chaos is unleashed. And so the two stories unfold: One a moody drama that often turns quite violent, and the weirdly erotically-charged, but nevertheless amusing, penis-comparing adventures of Johnson and Statham. When you're watching a movie in which a submarine is 'jacked', it's clear that the mood of the latter better suits the franchise. Diesel's brooding and Theron's phoning-in don't make for particularly entertaining viewing, especially when it follows a scene of hacked autonomous CGI cars swarming through the city streets like a hoard of fast-moving zombies.

Characters seem to fill every inch of the screen, and it was a struggle to remember just what roles returning actors Elsa Pataky, Luke Evans and Djimon Honsou had played previously, although anoraks will have no trouble. To say it is a convoluted mess driven by a McGuffin would be an understatement, and it could be argued that this plot has been done before a few films ago. Nevertheless Fast & Furious 8 delivers when it fires up the nitrous oxide. While there's nothing to match Hobbs' Gatling-gun rampage in part 7, there is a punchy prison breakout scene, Tyrese Gibson ice-skating on a car door, and the aforementioned submarine. You came here for fast cars, and they are worked into the story whether it makes logical sense or not. If only Diesel would lighten up and not take a series built on fun so damn seriously, this could have been so much better. Fingers crossed for the Johnson/Statham spin-off though.


Directed by: F. Gary Gray
Starring: Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Charlize Theron, Kurt Russell, Scott Eastwood, Nathalie Emmanuel
Country: USA

Rating: ***

Tom Gillespie

Review #902: 'Fast & Furious 7' (2015)

Pieced back together in the wake of Paul Walker's tragic death in an automobile accident in 2013, the seventh instalment of the Fast & Furious franchise comes with a morbid sense of curiosity. Just how much of the original movie remains, and how will long-serving series advocate Vin Diesel and newcomer director James Wan deal with the fate of Walker's character Brian O'Connor? Thankfully, anyone trying to spot the CGI trickery and attempting to tell Walker from either of his stand-in real-life brothers will be disappointed (although there are some questionable camera angles), and the climactic send-off could not have been more moving.

Fast & Furious 7's (or simply Furious 7 given its alternate title) problems lie elsewhere. Whether it be the cast, the running time, the plot, or the sheer amount of carnage played out on screen, the movie is as bloated as Dwayne Johnson's neck. We have finally caught up to the events of the third instalment, Tokyo Drift (2003), and the gang of loveable ex-cons, ex-cops and gear-heads are drawn out of retirement by the extremely pissed British special forces assassin Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), who happens to be the older brother of the baddie from the sixth film Owen Shaw (Luke Evans) and is hell-bent on revenge. Sadly, as a straight-forward revenge story is no longer enough to satisfy the masses, Dominic Toretto (Diesel) and his crew are also tasked by a shady government agent dubbed Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell) to track down God's Eye, an omniscient piece of spy software.

The franchise is now so removed from its original premise of an undercover cop trying to bust a gang of hijackers, that the sight of Dwayne Johnson's oiled and impossibly ripped cop Hobbs firing a huge Gatling gun at a helicopter in the streets during the film's climax will come as no surprise. Characters have died and come back to life, and now display martial arts skills so refined that they can take down the likes of Rhonda Rousey and Tony Jaa in a fist-fight. They are now superheroes, capable of cracking their necks and shaking off a wrench-blow to the head. The preposterousness of it all means that the film-makers are now simply looking to make things bigger than they were last time rather than taking the time of building tension or making things coherent.

So, only two set-pieces really get the adrenaline going - one involving Brian escaping from a coach dangling over the edge of a cliff, and the face-off between the bald pit-bulls Diesel and Statham, as the two go at each other with bits of car wreckage. The film is at its best in it's quieter moments, where comedy-relief characters Roman (Tyrese Gibson) and Tej (Ludacris) squabble over the attentions of super-hacker Ramsey (Nathalie Emmanuel), and Dom and his wife Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), still suffering from amnesia, try to piece together their relationship (though Dom ramming the idea of family being the most important thing down our throats is getting a bit old). Despite it's gaping flaws, there's still something oddly addictive about this series and I'm eager to see if even more sequels will come. and the loving tribute to Walker at the end will bring a tear to the eye of even the most hardened petrol head.


Directed by: James Wan
Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jason Statham, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Dwayne Johnson, Kurt Russell, Nathalie Emmanuel
Country: USA/Japan

Rating: ***

Tom Gillespie

Review #774: 'The Expendables 3' (2014)

The first two Expendables movies, though no-one would label them the next Citizen Kane, were enjoyable for what they were - daft, funny 80's throwbacks where grizzled and saggy has-been's re-lived their glory days, when a cold-blooded murder would always be rounded up by amusing quip. Sylvester Stallone put together a huge ensemble of recognisable faces; some veterans of action cinema, some relatively new to the game, and managed to wet the pants of many middle-aged action junkies by reuniting the founders of Planet Hollywood.

But they were fun and nostalgic because they were aware of how silly they were, wise enough not to take itself too seriously. The third instalment of the surprisingly continuing franchise - The Expendables 4 is set for the green light - has made the decision that macho posturing and homoerotic banter is simply not enough, and we must now somehow care for these characters and take them seriously. The trouble is, no matter how loveable some of these actors are (or were), their characters are such one-dimensional meat-heads that, apart from physically, it's hard to even tell them apart, let alone give a damn for their safety.

After the successful rescue of former Expendable Doctor Death (Wesley Snipes), the lug-head crew go straight onto their next mission to take down some warlord or other, only for the groups leader, Barney Ross (Stallone), to recognise the man as Expendable co-founder and long-thought-dead Conrad Stonebanks (Mel Gibson). Stonebanks seemingly went dark years ago, and after he seriously wounds Caesar (Terry Crews), Ross wants revenge. Not wanting to be responsible for the deaths of his friends, Ross turns his back on the Expendables and, with the help of assassin estate agent Bonaparte (Kelsey Grammer), rounds up an all-new (and young) gang of eager mercenaries to take down the man he once called a friend.

The franchise has been growing ever more child-friendly since is started. In the UK, the first movie was an 18 certificate, the second was a 15, and this, a 12A. It's hard to figure out just who this movie is aimed at. Sure, kids with short attention spans will probably enjoy the wobbly-cammed action scenes, but the series' long-term fans, the middle-aged nostalgics, will be scratching their heads at the lack of blood and soft dialogue. It also spends far too much time focusing on Ross rounding up his new gang of indistinguishable and astonishingly dull youngsters. Only Galgo (Antonio Banderas) sticks out, and even his motor-mouthed comedy routine soon gets annoying.

Of the old-hand newcomers, Harrison Ford - replacing Bruce Willis when the latter got greedy, leading to one of the films best lines - is suitably game, but Wesley Snipes' characters is lazily written and is no more than a carbon copy of Jason Statham's Christmas (he's 'good with knives'). However, Mel Gibson, who seems to operating under the idea that if the audience is going to hate him anyway, he may as well have fun with it, is the best thing in the entire film. For such little screen time and lack of complexity, he is undeniably creepy, and director Patrick Hughes has missed a trick spending so much time away from him.

The Expendables 3 is crushingly bad. Even haters of the first, and best, film can surely appreciate it's pumped-up, old-school charm. Two films later, and the series is a bloated, confused money-maker, isolating it's original target audience and seems under the impression that as long as there's an explosion here and a cornball line there, that it can be forgiven for sheer bad writing and film student execution. Maybe it is time for Stallone, Lundgren, Schwarzenegger et al to hang up their boots and war paint and make way for the next generation. But if the charisma-free block-heads whom Stallone finds (it seems that if you can pummel a man's face in, then espionage and machine-gun operation comes naturally) are anything to go by, then maybe it's time for the entire straight-to-DVD genre to finally call it a day.


Directed by: Patrick Hughes
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crews
Country: USA/France

Rating: **

Tom Gillespie

Review #526: 'The Expendables 2' (2012)

Since 2006's Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone has been on a nostalgia trip, re-visiting the characters and genres that catapulted him to the A-list in the 1980's and early 90's. After his rather average yet commercially successful homage to cheesy action - 2010's The Expendables - Stallone and his crew are back, with some extra recruits and some familiar (and aged) faces from the genre. Thankfully, Stallone has passed the director's chair to Simon West, a director who has plenty of experience in blowing shit up with the ridiculous yet irresistibly enjoyable Con Air (1997). If there was a main problem with the first film, it was that Stallone's action scenes were messy and confusing, hardly akin the kung-fu-inspired action of the 1980's.

After returning from a successful mission in Nepal, new recruit Bill (Liam Hemsworth) announces his retirement at the end of the month. Shady CIA operative Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) forces group leader Barney (Stallone) into taking a mission to recover a mysterious item in a crashed plane located in Albania. The group, including Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), Toll Road (Randy Couture), Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), and newly appointed technical expert Maggie Chan (Yu Nan), are ambushed by international criminal Claude Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) who kills Bill and flees with the retrieved item. Gradually the team uncover a plot to find a storage of plutonium left over from the Cold War, and the enslavement of a nearby town by Vilain.

Early rumours that Stallone was going for a milder tone to allow a younger audience to see and enjoy the film are quickly dashed with an opening scene full of exploding heads and CGI blood. Stallone loves his blood and explosions - that was clear from 2008's almost pornographically gory Rambo. His goal was to aim higher and bigger with the sequel, and while on a whole it is pretty much on par with the first, the scope is certainly larger and the giddy in-jokes are more outlandish and obvious. The film is certainly full of love for the genre that was so good to Stallone, and what person that grew up in the 1980's and 90's would not smile at the sight of Planet Hollywood's Stallone, Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger mowing down bad guys side-by-side?

Yet it is at times so ridiculous and self-consciously cheesy that it comes across as a parody of itself. Schwarzenegger and Willis steal each other's catch phrases ("I'll be back!"/"Yippee-kay-ya") and Stallone even cracks a Chuck Norris Facts joke, and while these are funny, it takes the edge off the action and creates a feeling that none of these characters are really going to be in any real trouble. While Mickey Rourke sadly departed the project and Jet Li only briefly appearing, the addition of Chuck Norris and an actually very impressive Van Damme certainly compensate (the latter adding to his surprisingly moving performance in JCVD (2008)). But the film is crammed with far too many characters that pushes the whole Expendables crew minus Stallone well into the background. It won't stop me watching the upcoming third instalment, but this is no more than an amusing way to kill 90 minutes - much like the films it's playing homage to.


Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Liam Hemsworth, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis
Country: USA

Rating: ***

Tom Gillespie

Review #399: 'The Expendables' (2010)

Following the recent re-vists of two of his most iconic characters, John Rambo and Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone continued his oddly touching nostalgia trip to the heydey of his career with this homage to the glory days of the action film, the 1980's and the early 1990's. It was a time where anything from a kidnapped daughter to the overhauling of a military dictator could be solved by removing your upper clothes, adding a touch of oil, and finding the biggest guns you can get your hands on, and possibly the only era that would have ever allowed the likes of Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris to become movie stars. Of course, Stallone was one of the big three that formed Planet Hollywood (along with Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger) and was one of the undisputed stars of the time, but with the problem of age (and lack of acting ability) creeping up with him, Stallone's roles have become thin of late. It seemed the perfect time to remind us just why people loved him, by directing this balls-out love love letter to carnage, and, like Rocky Balboa (2006), it's actually pretty good.

The Expendables, a group of bikers and mercenaries, are sent by the mysterious 'Mr. Church' (Bruce Willis) to overthrow the dictator of Vilena. The groups' leader, Barney Ross (Stallone), and Lee Christmas (Jason Statham) travel for research, and discover that the country's dictator, General Garza (David Zayas) is merely a controlled figurehead for ex-CIA operative James Munroe (Eric Roberts). Things quickly get out of hand, but the two manage to escape amidst an array of explosions. Falling for their informer Sandra (Gisele Itie), who also happens to be Garza's daughter, Ross decides to return to finish the job, and this time taking martial artist Yin Yang (Jet Li), gun-nut Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), and bomb expert Toll Road (Randy Couture). But ex-Expendable Gunnar (Dolph Lundgren) - recently dispensed for almost hanging a captive on a previous mission and for drug use - travels to Vilena to work for Munroe.

Anyone going into this film wanting or expecting an engrossing storyline, a witty script, or anything resembling character development, will be sorely disappointed. This is 100% dedicated to gun porn, explosions, and homoerotic exchanges, precisely the thing that the early films of Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude Van Damme were known and loved for. What it does have however, is a lot of heart. Stallone is undoubtedly a romantic, and he has formed a cast full of old-school action stars (Mickey Rourke has en extended cameo as Tool, and Schwarzenegger briefly appears in a scene that made me oddly giddy), as well as some of the new faces of straight-to-video, sorry, DVD (wrestler Steve Austin also appears as Munroe's head grunt Paine).

However, The Expendables seems to suffer most from the thing that noticeably plagues modern action films, and that is badly filmed and confusing action scenes. Rather than actually showing the fighting (and there are many here that deserve better, namely Jet Li), they fill the screen with a mixture of blurs, shaky hand-held camerawork, and rapid editing. It seems that Stallone thinks that as long as the audiences' eyes are busy, regardless as to whether they know what it happening, then they will be happy. And a lot of the macho talk gets quite tiresome quickly, and as token black guy Hale Caesar talks about his gun like it is a girl in that "hell ye-ha!" sort-of-way, the film came across as nothing more than a walking erection.

Yet with a film put together with such genuine heart, I found it impossible not to like, and it certainly transported me back to my childhood when the action wave was still in full flow, and I was obsessed with the likes of Commando (1985). I'm pleased that a sequel is also not far off, and the added casting of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris, as well as an extended role for Schwarzenegger (who now has time for acting given his political career has thankfully ended), has me obviously excited.


Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Giselle Itié, Randy Couture, David Zayas, Mickey Rourke, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Bruce Willis
Country: USA

Rating: ***

Tom Gillespie