Review #1,251: 'Transformers: The Last Knight' (2017)

A few years ago, after the Shia LaBeouf-starring Transformers trilogy came to a close with Dark of the Moon, Michael Bay made the welcome announcement that he was to leave the franchise he'd been working on day-in day-out for the past 5 years, causing critics - and film buffs forcing themselves to endure such cinematic waste - to rejoice in the process. This, of course, wasn't true, as he came back to the series to helm Age of Extinction in 2014, this time starring the considerably buffer frame of Mark Wahlberg. I don't remember much of what happened - other than incoherent special effects bashing each other and blowing things up - but there was certainly no extinction, and whatever happened in that film inspired Bay to explore new stories in the Transformers universe. And so here we are with number five - The Last Knight.

He's tricked us before into believing that we were finally moving into a world free of Bay's Transformers movies, so there's no reason to believe his new claims that The Last Knight will indeed be his last foray into the stories of the Autobots and Decepticons (although its always been much more about the humans). There's a Bumblebee spin-off starring Hailee Steinfeld already shooting, and the climax here certainly leads us to believe that there's even more to come. The Last Knight runs at a whopping 149 minutes (which is actually one of the shortest in the series), and every one of those minutes feels like a lifetime as Bay amps up everything the majority of people have come to hate about the franchise. Huge planets are smashed into each other, characters share awkward and painfully unfunny banter, and the camera leers so much at the franchise's latest hotty (a professor who dresses like a stripper played by Laura Haddock) that you almost long for the acting talents of Megan Fox.

Wahlberg returns as Cade Yeager, the inventor-turned-outlaw who still hasn't realised how ridiculous his name is, and now sports an equally ridiculous haircut. Following the events of the previous film, all Transformers have now been declared criminals, and the Transformer Reaction Force has been set up to eradicate the alien robots. Only more are arriving on Earth every day, so Optimus Prime has travelled back to his home planet to confront his maker for answers. Yeager is protecting many of the surviving Autobots at his junk yard, but soon finds himself caught up in events when a strange alien talisman attaches itself to his arm from the ship of a dead Transformer. Giant horns have emerged from the ground in various locations throughout the world, and it all somehow ties into a tale going back to the time of King Arthur and Merlin (the latter played by a game Stanley Tucci). Decepticons want the talisman for some reason, and by this time I'd given up.

The first hour is spent trying to explain the plot to the audience, while the rest is spent exploring aimless sub-plots, one involving a tough orphan child living in the ruins of a previous battle, designed to appeal to the young crowd. Within the first twenty minutes, it shamelessly rips-off Game of Thrones and Stranger Things, TV shows of a quality Bay could only dream of creating. By the time Anthony Hopkins shows up to collect his pay cheque, you'll be too worn out to tolerate his bumbling, exposition-tool shtick. Bay isn't interested in correcting the mistakes he has been criticised for in the past: The Last Knight is custom-made to appease the audience who willingly pay to see this migraine-inducing nonsense every couple of years. Yet judging for the film's rather uninspiring box-office take, even they are getting tired of it. With the exception of 2007's sporadically enjoyable first film, this franchise has left me angry, outraged, depressed and physically sick, but never had I felt indifferent. The Last Knight left me feeling nothing at all, other than incredibly sleepy.


Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins, Josh Duhamel, Laura Haddock, Isabela Moner, Stanley Tucci
Country: China/Canada/USA

Rating: *

Tom Gillespie

Review #228: 'Transformers: Dark of the Moon' (2011)

Big, loud, with various incomprehensible objects gesticulating in front of the screen; must be a Michael Bay film. The first Transformers (2007) film surprised me. A film based on childhood toys, and their 20 minute narrative adverts, about robots that can change into vehicles and other such objects, should not have worked. And to boot, directed by a well known pyrotechnics obsessive, and general hack of bullshit. But the first film had a certain charm, which was elevated by the Shia LeBeouf performance, which pretty much catapulted him, and encouraged Steven Spielberg (also executive producer of all the films) to take him as a new toy. After the debacle of the second in the series, 2009's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the fans and general audience wanted a Tranformers film that was as thrilling, funny, and silly as the first. Well, the idea is quite neat.

Turns out that the 1969 moon landing was not carried out just cause we could. No, it happens that there was something "alien" on the dark side of said moon. So Buzz Aldrin et al had the top secret mission of taking a peek at the craft that crash landed. And that craft was, of course, one that was occupied by some dead Autobots. Back to the present day and Sam Whitwicky (LeBeouf) has been shunned by the government that works with the Decepticons, and has to get a regular job. As Megan Fox was essentially sacked from the franchise for suggesting that Bay was like Hitler, we are led to believe that Sam has got himself a new stunner of a girlfriend (as Sam's mum states in a later scene, he must have a big cock!). So we are introduced to Carley (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's lips on legs), in a simple, tracking shot that follows her legs and arse: nice! She has a nice body, but her face is dominated by over-sized lips, and is about as charismatic as a transformer that can't transform: i.e. a van.

What transpires is a series of battles, instigated by some objects that have the potential of bringing the robot world through space and time to occupy planet Earth. Humans have been working with the Decepticons for years, which has helped them get information from various companies. When this action begins, the main setting is Chicago. An alien invasion-style visual style takes over, many scenes looking very similar to 2005's War of the Worlds.

The film does have some effective action sequences, but doesn't really deliver anything different that the previous sequel. Basically, it's rubbish. What always amazes me about these kind of films, is that we have developed our English language, that apparently also developed in a civilisation of robots, that existed in parallel in a distant galaxy. Well done Mr Bay, you have released yet another film littered with CGI spunk stains. Plus, the toy company, Hasbro, has a new film to sell their new line of transformers toys!! I have discovered recently that the new toys are not easy to transform, not like the ease of their 80's counterparts.


Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Patrick Dempsey, Frances McDormand, Kevin Dunn, John Malkovich
Country: USA

Rating: **

Marc Ivamy